I feel so pierced – like little tiny razor blades ripping into the smooth surface of my heart. What do you do when you are watching your children being defeated by someone who loves them? Tears, so many tears are falling, yet I feel so bottled up. It’s not sitting well with my soul – I’m being ripped in two. Seeing their tears, their faces of disappointment… it’s haunting me. God, why does it seem you have forsaken us?
Words have such power. When spoken in love, they carry joy and strength, yet when words are spoken in anger, they are all the more unforgotten, as well as the pain that accompanies them. What do you do when all you can do is watch the aftermath of the words, the words that deflate their whole being? Lord Jesus, protect them. As moms, our goal is to protect our children from harm, but what then becomes of times that they are out of your reach of protection? The momma bear in me wants to lash out and hurt back, but I know that is not what my God would have me do. What then? Am I called to wait? I feel I have waited enough and watched entirely too many tears fall. What then? God, just whisper Your words, any words, to my seeking heart.
What becomes of a child who is chronically deflated, dehydrated of hope and joy? I feel their pain so deep, for I know exactly what they are feeling. I know the sharp edged sword of abuse and control and I hate the fact they also are learning that fear. Only, God delivered me from those depths, so now when I see my babies neck deep in raging waters, all I can do is weep and lay my lament at my Father’s feet.
God, my sweet Abba Father, I know you love them even more than I do, so why are you allowing this? What could they possibly learn from all this trauma, except how to enable a sinner? Lord, your ways are not my ways but JESUS….I can’t see the road through all this fog. What shall you have me do? All I hear is silence, and Jesus I need some answers. Yet… I stop to thank you in my pain. Thank you that I can offer up all my lost expectations of comfort and my broken, weary heart.
I have to admit, God, that this has opened up a wound that I thought had completely healed. But God, you are my ever present help in my time of need. Yet, why don’t I feel your presence? I need to hear from You!
“Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago.” (Isaiah 43:18). There is your voice, Lord! Thank you, thank you. Yes, yes Jesus, I understand that and I am trying, yet when those events are happening to the very ones I grew inside me, how can I not think back? That pain has a power all of it’s own…
No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous. (Joshua 1:5-6). I believe that truth Lord, yet I feel like this battle will surely suffocate me. I know you are here, even when you are silent. You will never forsake me, even though the Enemy plants hopeless thought in my already over-taxed mind. Yet, Lord, I do not feel strong enough to watch those babies break. I’m so afraid, Lord. I can’t do this.
Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance of the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. (Exodus 14:13-14). Be still? Lord how can I be still in all this agony and heartbreak? That sounds easier than it is for me right now. I know you have already fought battles for us, even ones we never knew existed. You stand between us and storms so often, yet this time it feels like you took a step away and are letting this battle consume us.
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:17-18). Yes, deliverance my Lord – I am craving deliverance amidst this crushing continuous blow. You will deliver me, yes. I needed to be reminded of that. You will deliver me…. Thank you Lord.
He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You make your saving help my shield and Your right hand sustains me; Your help has made me great. You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way. (Psalm 18:34-35). I am being trained… is that what you are trying to tell me Jesus? But I don’t want to go to battle – I am too weary from the journey to this place. Yet, you are promising me that you are my foundation and you even make the path wider so I don’t struggle to make it to the end. Ok… I know you’re with me – I hear you and I truly believe you. But, it’s not the ending I’m afraid of – its the journey to get there. Oh, but you are broadening my path… I see what you are doing here. Thank you.
“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation. (Psalm 91:14-16). You will rescue me? You will rescue THEM? Yes, you have protected them and Lord, I thank you for your hand of protection over their bodies, but what about their hearts? Are you trying to draw them closer to You? Are you wanting them to seek Your face in their trouble?
You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for You, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. (Psalm 63:1). I can feel my anxious heart calming Lord, and even in this dry and parched land, I can see You now. You have wrestled with me and continually pounded my soul with your Truth and reminders of your noble character. Thank you for loving me enough to remind me. Thank you for loving me enough to draw me back in.
Surely He took up our pain and bore our sufferings, yet we considered Him punished by God, stricken by Him and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed. (Isaiah 53:4-5). Ok…yes. This is not punishment – You sent your only Son to take my place on that cross. You are a good God and thank you for making that sacrifice for me, for us.
“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33). I am feeling some of that peace now Jesus…. so much better than the frantic flailing I had succumbed to. Thank you for conquering not only the world, but my breaking bleeding heart.
I am so loved by my Savior, as are you. He loved me enough to wrestle my frantic heart back in line with His Truth. Even in my weary, why-asking state, He answered me and He calmed my soul. God opened up my heart to the need to pray for the lost, sin and all. Do I have total peace about this situation? No, not yet. But after lamenting to Him my heart, my fears, my struggles, I feel blessed. I am still broken, but I’m held. I’m weaping, yet I’m comforted. The fog is starting to lift and I can make out the lines on the road. Oh and look – it seems the road has broadened. Good, my ankles were feeling weak today. ❤️